My Heart is Full

I was just telling Brett the other day that I feel like such a "real" blogger. So many of you have written such sweets words of encouragement. Readers whom I have never met took the time to lift this struggling lady up. Thank you, thank you. thank you!

It is humbling being in need whether it's physical, emotional, spiritual, or a mixture of all of those. For the past 3 nights Brett and I stayed up after the older 4 kids were in bed and read through all of the comments that were left on Felicity's caring bridge site. Wow! To say that was an emotionally difficult process for me would be an understatement. Those comments and prayers kept us going for 4 straight weeks. I look back on the ups and downs of our NICU stay and I marvel at how distant it feels. Days that felt like weeks are faded in my memory. I think this is a good thing, a healthy sign of healing.

So, here I sit, holding my darling 4th daughter. The transition home has been more difficult than I anticipated (see last post), but we're getting there. My postpartum hormones are throwing me out of whack for sure, and I haven't been dealing with that well. It's hard being conflicted about what happened with Felicity's birth. Heidi hit the nail on the head. I am mourning a loss even though I was given such a gift. The memories surrounding my other children's births are joy-filled. I was very present and remember pieces of each quite clearly. Felicity's birth was different for a variety of reasons. I kept my eyes closed for the whole way down to the OR. I prayed and prayed and really wanted to avoid any visual memory of the traumatic scene. They made me open my eyes while I was put under because they needed to make sure I was out. I was surprised to see a stereotypical bright OR light overhead and then nothing. I remember being asked to hold out my hand and touch "your baby's head" and then out again. I vividly remember seeing a head full of dark hair just like my other babies. The rest of the story picked up from there. I was spared from knowing that she wasn't breathing at birth, that her heart was barely pumping, that the rest of her organs were failing. I just knew that they were "working on her". Those were the words that let me know we had another sweet girl. No fancy "it's a girl" announcement this time. I may have been out of it, but I could sense the tension in the room. Finally I was rolled into the area where the NICU team would be passing by on their way to transport her to the bigger hospital. "Here's your daughter. See, she's trying to breath on her own." I took those words as comfort. I remember she looked absolutely perfect and I was just praying that we weren't too late.

My life is overflowing with emotion right now. When we're out and people comment on my sweet girl I have a hard time not telling them the whole story. You'll be relieved to know that I have, at the time of this writing, been able to control myself.

So, dear readers. There's a small piece of what's happening in my conflicted heart. Please bare with me as I relive those moments on this page. Prayers of course are always welcomed and appreciated. And any advice as to how I can avoid going crazy while we pack for our big move that's coming up, oh and how I can avoid selling unruly children on the black market would be great as well.

Picture time

I'm just amazed at how much like a normal baby she is.


Smile!

Not sure if this is an ad for the Moby Wrap or my new Dyson.

Here they all are. I'm hoping to get a good pic on Easter.

The Reality of it All

Holy Week has started off a little rough. Not "Mardi Gras" rough, but rough. We had labwork for Miracle Baby early this morning, ran out to the new-to-us-house to meet a masonry guy, grabbed fast food for lunch, had quick naps, ran to the other town across the bridge to pick out a gas fireplace insert, picked up pizza for dinner, and headed to the Newman Center to pray the Stations of the Cross and have Adoration. Here's the thing. Regardless of how amazed I am that she's here, having a new baby at home is still hard. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen when we brought her home, but the reality is...this is real life. My real life consists of 2 year-olds who demand things, 5-year-olds who whine if her clothes don't fit just right, 7-year-olds who get lost in the craziness of it all (so sorry, sweet Emma) and 9-year-olds who question, challenge, and have an opinion about everything. I thought, although I knew different deep down, that bringing *this* baby home was going to be different. *This* baby should make us all speak to each other with loving kindness. *This* baby should help us to stop and realize that the frustrations of the day are small. *This* baby was going to bring to her momma an abundance of patience so that no one would hear a raised voice again, a sharp word again, see an upset and angry look again. But, the reality of it all? Hasn't *she* done enough? *She* brought us hope, deepened our faith, brought us closer to each other and to God, helped us realize how precious every single gift is, every single day is. *She* survived. *She* lived. My precious girl has changed me in more ways than I thought possible, but I'm still not perfect. Not only am not perfect, but I'm still very much in the healing process, both physically and emotionally. I never intended this blog to be a place where I talk about my perfect life with my perfect husband, perfect children, and unfaltering faith. We are very much at a hard place these days. We re-learning how to be a family again after a life-altering trial. And that, well, that is the reality of it all.

I Believe in Miracles

This weekend was the first time we took our sweet baby to Mass. "Really God?" I wanted to say. "The gospel about bringing Lazarus back from the dead? Will I never be able to go to Mass without crying? Ever?"

Our deacon, who is a firefighter/fire inspector, preached about when he witnessed a man being brought back to life after he had stopped breathing and his heart had stopped beating. He spoke about miracles that happen today. The only objection I had was with his use of the word "luck". Luck is nowhere to be found in miracles.

We continue to call Felicity our miracle baby. She is a miracle in so many ways, but the saving of her life started several months back. I can see it now, but didn't then.

We have been looking at houses out in the country since about October of 2010. We met with disappointment house after house. Our offer wasn't accepted, we didn't get our offer in on time, the seller's didn't want to sell afterall, and the list goes on. Although we kept saying we wanted "God's will" to be done, I would be lying if I said that we weren't disappointed and getting very annoyed.

Fast forward to the night that Felicity was born. All of the houses we were looking at were 20 minutes out of town. 20 more minutes and we would have been planning a funeral for our sweet girl.

The lady who watched our other kids the night we went in because I hadn't been feeling our sweet baby moving lives right around the corner. She works with Brett. She doesn't normally watch our kids. Brett insisted on calling her instead of our friends who live a ways away. It was a blessing that she was home, that she didn't have a concert or rehearsal that evening. Erin later shared with us that she wasn't in too much of a rush to get to our house because Brett just said that we were going to go in just to make sure everything was okay. All of sudden, she shared with us, she had a sense of urgency come over her and she threw her stuff together, hopped in her car and rushed over. Praise God!

There's more. The OB who delivered Felicity in a record breaking emergency c-section was at the hospital teaching a class. I was going to a Family Practice doctor for my OB cares. The hospital where I delivered doesn't have an "in-house" OB, just one on call. We didn't have time to wait for an on-call OB to come.

All of the nurses that were on that evening for both me and Felicity (which were the ones that came over from the hospital with the NICU) were senior nursing staff and were fabulous. The neonatologist that came for the transfer was also experienced and wonderful! He remains one of our favorites. We didn't know at the time that we were going to be getting to know him quite well.

Once all of these pieces were put together for me I couldn't help but take comfort in it all. Would God really take the time to make all of this happen if He didn't intend for Felicity to stay with us on earth for a little longer?

Miracles do happen today. We have proof!

New life

I'm back! It feels good to be back here, my space. On Felicity's caringbridge site (www.caringbridge.org/visit/felicityjones) I've shared the story and the journey that took us from this: To this:

I will pick up where we left off, but throughout the next few weeks I will fill in some gaps from our story. The adrenaline has dropped a bit and I've had to process what really happened and have had to work through some very real feelings about it all. We had a happy ending, a very happy ending. My mind knows that, but my heart jumps at the thought of "what if".

I have my two youngest at home while Brett has the three oldest praying the Stations of the Cross with the Newman group. The house is quiet, and I have a stack of papers from who knows how long ago...I'm guessing about 4 weeks...that I have to go through. A whole month went by without my participation.

I have new appreciation for every day with the people I love. I'm tired, I'm healing, I'm hormonal, and I'm emotional, but through it all, I'm blessed. I'm very, very blessed.

News

Haven't posted in this "venue" yet, but here's Felicity Perpetua! There may be one person who reads this blog, but doesn't stay in touch through any other means so I wanted to make sure to post this.
Born: March 8, 2011 after an emergency c-section. Currently in the NICU for an undetermined amount of time. It's a miracle that she's alive...she wasn't at birth, technically.

H

36 1/2 week Daybook

For Today:
March 3, 2011

Outside my window...It's cloudy and was snowing lightly. The ugliness of the melt we had a couple of weeks ago hasn't been covered up, but the fresh snow is nice.

I am thinking....about my new kitchen, in our new-to-us house that we haven't moved into yet, but will sometime in the near future. Oh dear...I'm thinking about all the things we have to do to get to that point and thinking that maybe we've made a huge mistake....that's all normal right?

I am thankful for...a continued healthy pregnancy, a job for my husband, birthdays (someone is 33 today!), in-laws who will be coming to help with the new baby and a move, parents who have always been supportive in their own way.

Our homeschool today...got off to a slow start, but is coming along nicely. The first part of the morning has been spent on making posters and cards for a certain person in the house. We're doing more "table work" than I would like these days, but it's getting us through this late part of pregnancy and everyone is learning something.

From the kitchen...blueberry pancakes on the skillet for lunch along with sausage, cupcake cones for our afternoon celebration, and a dishwasher that needs unloading.

I am wearing...a comfy sweater and a maternity skirt (the only thing that's fitting these days), panda bear socks and my hair in a pony tail.

I am creating...list after list after list. We have a "before we close on the house" list, a "before the baby is born" list, a "what needs to be packed for our stay at the hospital" list, a "what we need to do once we have possession of the house" list, a "dreaming about what we would like to do to the house" list, a "what we need to do to move out of this house" list, a "what we need to do to keep from going crazy" list, and a "Lenten sacrifices" list.

I am going...to have a baby very soon. How soon? Who knows. Doc says, "anytime". Great. I'm really hoping for after Brett is finished with all of his obligations, and of course it would be good to wait until my in-laws were here. Time will tell.

I am reading...Jane Austen's "Emma". I just finished "Unplanned" by former Planned Parenthood director Abby Johnson. Good read. Not a literary piece of art, but a great look at the inside of an institution that every one knows about. A more detailed "review" will be coming.
I want to read "1000 gifts" because I'm intrigued. Almost every one I know is reading it, has read it, or wants to read it. I might just treat myself to the Nook version.

I am hoping and praying...for a healthy baby/healthy momma outcome to our impending birth, for some super cool ladies who are currently expecting, for a smooth transition to our new home, for our state government to work (literally), for this baby to stay put for a little longer.

I am hearing...my eldest fuming in his room (have you ever heard someone fuming? I promise you can), the two "for now" youngest playing (or is it the youngest bossing the other around...hmmm), my sweet Emma concentrating on her schoolwork despite the distractions (you can hear someone concentrating too, I promise).

Around the house...ha! Don't even get me started. I'm in denial.

One of my favorite things...a day where we don't have to go anywhere.

A few plans for the rest of the week...not to have a baby, finish some lists, celebrate a birthday, finish (er start) our tax return

A picture thought:

I introduced the kids to "Fun Dip" a couple of days ago. Brett and I were remembering about some classic concession stand food and "Fun Dip" came up. I found some on sale and thought I'd let the kids give it a try. Not sure what I was thinking, but it was fun reliving the memory of the chalky flavored stick in the yummy 135% sugar.